"Godzilla -- I was hoping I would never hear that name again"

The Return of Godzilla wanted to be a direct sequel to the original Godzilla from 1954. It was a stepping stone to the more modern Hesei era. Darker in tone, with endless political discussions it failed at being a bad good movie or a good bad movie and fell into the abyss of mediocrity.

The threat of WWIII loomed over the beginning of the movie when a Russian sub was destroyed by an awakened Godzilla. Thinking it was the Americans everyone was on standby for world annihilation. Fortunately, the Japanese, who had been hiding the fact they knew Godzilla was stirring around once again came clean with the rest of the world and disaster, at least for the moment, was averted.

Serious does not have to be a synonym for boring. I wish that had been the case with this movie. Political discussion, urgent diplomacy, and the threat of nuclear disaster could be enormously thrilling if written and acted well. Again, not the case. With all the time spent on the humans it would have been nice if the main characters had been developed. Again, not the case.

By the time the big guy showed up stomping on the city I was almost on his side if it would stop the self-important discussions. This Godzilla still had the awkward look from the 70's era which was fine when there was an element of humor and it was aimed at kids. This Godzilla was supposed to be the world destroyer though and he wasn't very menacing looking even with the new razor-like teeth.

The action scenes lacked energy as well. I found myself wondering how many people went AWOL when they were assigned tank or helicopter duty in the useless task of shooting conventional and even laser weapons at Big G. There were a few call back scenes from the original Godzilla, but that seemed cheap as the original Godzilla actually had some depth to it.

The only version I had to watch was a badly dubbed version which didn't have much bearing on my rating. I'm used to dubs with Godzilla and kung fu movies. In this one the Russians sounded like they were from Scotland, the Americans all sounded like they were from the state of Texas and the Japanese accents ranged from British, Texan, and from Boston (city in the state of Massachusetts).

The trick to finally drive Godzilla away was fairly bizarre given the serious nature of the movie and quite frankly by the end I think he was just as anxious to leave that mess as I was to finish the movie.

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Full disclosure, the eight-year-old in me cannot not watch a Godzilla movie when it comes on. I can always find some entertainment value in these kinds of movies, until today.

I'll start with the good. The miniatures were amazing as always. The houses, cars, trucks, and trains were spot on. Godzilla was a little thin, but not the worst I've seen. Kong finally falls for woman who is not a blonde. Unfortunately, Fumiko spent most of her time unconscious while in Kong's hand. That's it. That's all I've got.

Now the bad. Whoever designed Kong had obviously never seen a gorilla. Or maybe it was a great costume to start with but was accidentally mauled by a pack of dogs and the production company was over budget and didn't have the money for a new one. The crowd overlays made the people look like blue ghosts. Kong can be controlled by a drink made out of the berries indigenous to his island. The locals get him drunk every night until he passes out to keep him under control. mmmmkay. The ending was an ambiguous mess.

Now, the really bad. I know that this movie was a product of it's times (1962) and we cannot retroactively go back and fix it. Having said that, seeing the islanders portrayed by Japanese actors in black face and curly wigs was a horrible sight for my modern eyes. This is not to disparage the Japanese, 1962 was a bad time where I live if you weren't white. Just to throw salt in the wound the company men on the island seeking Kong and the magical berries handed cigarettes out to the islanders to win them over---even the kids!

All of these movies are dated, but this one more than any other that I have seen does not hold up---at all.

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